I made a poster yesterday that said “When I was little, the other kids all said I had cooties, but they saw wrong, I really have Stardust”. Someone told me the other day that they loved that I persist and find the good no matter what. It meant a lot to me to hear that, but then I also thought that I have to. As an autistic, if I did not – if I did not persist and try to have hope for the future, for things to change – for my world to change, then I might as well have given up entirely years ago.
But part of that hope – and looking for the good is trying to believe that somehow, something in me can overcome that sense that I have cooties – that judgement that something is wrong with me because I act differently than other people – because I act differently from how people think I should. I want somehow to influence people to not see the different, but instead to look to see that behind all that behavior is only love. Everything else should be moot beyond that knowledge.
So perhaps that is my goal in life – to not hide who I am – to continue to be the perhaps awkward, clumsy, overbearing, intense, over-exuberant me – but then the loving me I also am. Only loving. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes I am human. But somehow over so many years my mistakes seem to get amplified by the fact that I act differently – even again, when it should be obvious with little attention that my heart is filled to the brim and overflowing with love. I have always felt with of all the disadvantages I may have been given – that I was given more of what is good, with the blessing of a strong desire to be a channel for God’s love – what I happily see as my Stardust.