Being me

I grew up with a mother who told me “Nobody loves you, everybody hates you”, and through much of my life, by many appearances, she seemed to be right. For so many years I thought I was an awful person because “nobody loved me, everybody hated me”, but recently I have realized quite the opposite. It would have been so easy for me to have a heart full of hate. But with so much gratitude, I rejoice at the knowledge that her words somehow instilled in me a heart that wants only to love, that searches for love, reveres love, and sees love as life’s ultimate goal.

There is no part of me that believes that was my mother’s intent at using those words, but every part of me that is grateful and feels blessed for that consequence. Being autistic as well, I must realize complicates my ability to share that love, and I have to admit that there have been times lately that I felt my inadequacies impossible to overcome. But then I realize that there is nothing I can do except persevere. I cannot stop having the loving heart I have been given. I cannot stop looking hopefully for the love in my heart to overcome the other circumstances of my existence. I do believe, with every ounce of my being that love will conquer all. Whether it will do so in my lifetime, or in my specific life – I do not know. But I do know that I need – to the best of my perhaps meager capabilities – to live as a poster child for love. Love IS the answer. The only one.

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