Christmas Dreams

I have always had a love/sadness relationship with Christmas. I know the saying is love/hate, but I cannot say that for two reasons, one – most importantly – because I don’t know how to hate, and hope never to learn. But secondly, to hate Christmas, to me, would imply an absence of hope, and hope cannot ever be absent. But what I have wished, each year, for Christmas, is not something I ever looked for under a tree. And sadly, my Christmas wishes have gone unanswered, year after year.
Friendship comes in many forms, and at many levels of closeness, but I have wished my life for two things (never dreaming they could be as one), but for two friendships. One, that I could understand how to find friendship with those my heart is most drawn to. That has seemed to be an impossible wish. And the other to have a friend who I could believe in, feel totally comfortable with, and could see that same reaction to me. Someone to share with, laugh with, trust implicitly, and who trusted me just the same. Trust, to me, has always been such an important thing. Something I know I deserve from others, but that I believe is often withheld from me because people do not understand me fully. But those friendships, that I would treasure – and see others enjoy and even take for granted, have eluded me, no matter the wishes, prayers, or effort I have made to find them.
The world doesn’t always offer Hallmark endings, and no matter how many memes tell me my dreams will come true, it does not actually mean they ever will. But Christmas is a time for love and happiness, and those things are inside me, even if the answers that lead to my dreams may seem not to be. And so, I realize that it is incumbent upon me to find that happiness, and to keep it with me, throughout not just the Christmas season, not just the coming year, but all the years. I cannot make my dreams come true, and I cannot deny the importance of those dreams to me. What I can do is recognize that there is so much more that the world offers, so much that fills my eyes with wonder, and my heart with joy and love. And so I can, and must focus on those things. There are always blessings.
But that does not mean I have to surrender my dreams. What it does mean is that I need not to see each Christmas without them as a failure. The dream is only dead when I let it die. So if not this year, then I work onward. My dream does not have a deadline. It is truly what my heart wants, and my heart will wish it no less on January 2nd, nor on January 2nd the following year. All I can do is be true to that dream, and to myself, and be steadfast in love, and in being me. And the dream will happen when it does. But in the meanwhile, my heart has so much to love and to be joyful for, and I must not lose sight of the blessings I have.
i wish everyone their Christmas Dreams, and if your particular dream seems not to come true, then remember what blessings you do have, and find your own Christmas miracles within those blessings.


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