I had (have!) a dream…
So, what do you do when you fear losing the dream of a lifetime – when you begin to wonder if what you have built your entire life around the hope to accomplish is completely beyond you? What do you do, when you wonder if that dream is even possible – despite your most genuine best efforts? What do you do when the realization hits that you may just not have the wherewithal or ability to find your way to that dream? You wonder if perhaps the dream was the wrong one, despite an unwavering belief that it comes from a good place in your heart. Where others dream of – and some achieve – successes in great things – where I have examples before me, as an autistic – recent examples such as Temple Grandin, and Susan Boyle; or historical examples such as Mozart, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin – the accomplishments they aspired to and achieved were much different than my – perhaps silly – aspirations.
My dream, since I was a small child, was to make the world a kinder, softer place. Was to lead the way there by embodying the world I wanted to create – to understand humans, and humanity enough to just, honestly, be love, softness, light, and caring. To build a life having its very foundations upon a rock solid base of the very thing my childhood left me feeling deprived of….love. To do that, I knew that I would have to fight every demon that has attacked me – ward off every feeling of hurt and unfairness, and to only love. I have worked so hard to do that. The love in my heart is honestly very real. But – just as honestly it is surrounded by so many other human emotions that I wish only to have succumb to that love.
And just as honestly, the greatest of these is fear. What if I am not capable of realizing my dreams? What if my every belief that “love conquers all” is not enough to find that true in my own life? What if the phrase should only be “love conquers all but autistic bumbling?” Or “love conquers all but pervasive fear?” Can love really conquer “ALL”? Can I find that true for me? Can I find my way to that place in my life where it HAS conquered, and where the greatest of what it has conquered is my fear that I cannot prove that it can? I want that beyond anything. More than anyone could want anything, I want that. What greater motivator could there be in the world than love.